I watch this weekend come to a close in a few hours. I find myself desperately clinging on to every minute of it. Fearful of drowning in a sea of work deliverables that will rob me off my own breath, my life. I've realized how my current environment has taken so much of my time and how I have allowed it to rob me off peace.
Earlier this afternoon I was reading Ann Voskamp's blog and took note of what she has said about haste.
Haste makes waste. The hurry makes us hurt. Whatever the pace, time will keep it and there’s no outrunning it, only speeding it up and pounding the feet harder; the minutes pound faster too. Race for more and you’ll snag on time and leak empty. Hurry always empties a soul.
I am caught up in a work environment that runs on haste. I am surrounded by people who have not experienced the rest-filled effort of passionate hard work. I have been led to believe that my desires for a peaceful rhythm at work is complacent and absent of ambition. I am led to believe that responding to urgency is productive and being troubled at your wits end is engagement and genius.
I have been exposed to so much soulful struggle. My ideals. Theirs. Clashing. For they are a people with no rest. While I am trying to pursue the peace of Christ, here I am in a place completely absent of it. For 3 years I have shared my heart and my mind. But how long does a missionary stay in a place to know that there is that time to "shake the dust off my feet" because they are not yet ready to receive?
I feel the time coming soon. And my heart is pregnant with a desire to completely surrender myself to a life of faith. A faith-filled life in pursuit of God's dreams for me.
A friend of mine told me yesterday that God has already opened His doors for me to walk-out freely. Yet I am hindered by this fear. Fear of others' expectations. Fear of stereotypes. Fear of dishonoring my parents. But am I honoring them not living happy and grateful? Almost out of breath because I try to keep honoring the work that drains me of the very life I try to nurture?
Throughout the weekend I have found myself in a confused state of contemplation. One time silent. Another distracted. But the heart. It's filled with yearning. Yearning for God to take me to that place where I can unveil the gifts I have and the authentic self I long to be birthed.
I am not made for stone-hearted environments that do not honor the cry of the people's hearts. And while I continue to pray for them, I wait. I wait for the oceans to part. So that my Savior will led me to the waters of peace.